Accompanying the first years of married life
217. It is important that marriage be seen as a
matter of love, that only those who freely choose
and love one another may marry. When love is
merely physical attraction or a vague affection,
spouses become particularly vulnerable once this affection wanes or physical attraction diminishes.
Given the frequency with which this happens, it
is all the more essential that couples be helped during the first years of their married life to enrich and deepen their conscious and free decision to have, hold and love one another for life. Often the engagement period is not long enough,
the decision is precipitated for various reasons
and, what is even more problematic, the couple
themselves are insufficiently mature. As a result, the newly married couple need to complete a
process that should have taken place during their
engagement.
matter of love, that only those who freely choose
and love one another may marry. When love is
merely physical attraction or a vague affection,
spouses become particularly vulnerable once this affection wanes or physical attraction diminishes.
Given the frequency with which this happens, it
is all the more essential that couples be helped during the first years of their married life to enrich and deepen their conscious and free decision to have, hold and love one another for life. Often the engagement period is not long enough,
the decision is precipitated for various reasons
and, what is even more problematic, the couple
themselves are insufficiently mature. As a result, the newly married couple need to complete a
process that should have taken place during their
engagement.
218. Another great challenge of marriage preparation is to help couples realize that marriage is not something that happens once for all.
Their union is real and irrevocable, confirmed and
consecrated by the sacrament of matrimony. Yet in joining their lives, the spouses assume an active
and creative role in a lifelong project. Their gaze
now has to be directed to the future that, with the
help of God’s grace, they are daily called to build.
For this very reason, neither spouse can expect
the other to be perfect. Each must set aside all
illusions and accept the other as he or she actually is: an unfinished product, needing to grow, a
work in progress. A persistently critical attitude towards one’s partner is a sign that marriage was
not entered into as a project to be worked on
together, with patience, understanding, tolerance
and generosity. Slowly but surely, love will then
give way to constant questioning and criticism,
dwelling on each other’s good and bad points,
issuing ultimatums and engaging in competition and self-justification. The couple then prove in-
capable of helping one another to build a mature
union. This fact needs to be realistically presented to newly married couples from the outset, so that they can grasp that the wedding is “just the beginning”. By saying “I do”, they embark
on a journey that requires them to overcome all
obstacles standing in the way of their reaching
the goal. The nuptial blessing that they receive
is a grace and an incentive for this journey. They
can only benefit from sitting down and talking to
one another about how, concretely, they plan to
achieve their goal.
Their union is real and irrevocable, confirmed and
consecrated by the sacrament of matrimony. Yet in joining their lives, the spouses assume an active
and creative role in a lifelong project. Their gaze
now has to be directed to the future that, with the
help of God’s grace, they are daily called to build.
For this very reason, neither spouse can expect
the other to be perfect. Each must set aside all
illusions and accept the other as he or she actually is: an unfinished product, needing to grow, a
work in progress. A persistently critical attitude towards one’s partner is a sign that marriage was
not entered into as a project to be worked on
together, with patience, understanding, tolerance
and generosity. Slowly but surely, love will then
give way to constant questioning and criticism,
dwelling on each other’s good and bad points,
issuing ultimatums and engaging in competition and self-justification. The couple then prove in-
capable of helping one another to build a mature
union. This fact needs to be realistically presented to newly married couples from the outset, so that they can grasp that the wedding is “just the beginning”. By saying “I do”, they embark
on a journey that requires them to overcome all
obstacles standing in the way of their reaching
the goal. The nuptial blessing that they receive
is a grace and an incentive for this journey. They
can only benefit from sitting down and talking to
one another about how, concretely, they plan to
achieve their goal.
Pope Francis, "The Joy of Love".
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